ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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