...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
People in love make me want to vomit
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
