I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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