I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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