You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
