I wish my penis had an off switch
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
