Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All I want is dick and wine.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
