Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
