Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
