I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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