What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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