I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
