So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
