false alarm. still invincible.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
