She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
