did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
