So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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