Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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