last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
