Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
