dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
