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You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
