I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
