I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
