she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
