xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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