i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
