OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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