so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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