look no pants
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
