they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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