I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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