She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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