Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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