Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
