guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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