I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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