If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
