You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
