I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
