What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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