i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
