me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
