alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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