I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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