My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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