maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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