That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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