I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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