Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So vagazzling was a success
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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