So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
