Heybabeimwearingurpanties
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
