Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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