there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
