We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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